Scheduling Hell

By Deborah Sharp

I've been invited to speak at the prestigious Miami Book Fair. That's the good news. The bad news: Organizers have scheduled me opposite Dave Barry, the Pulitzer prize-winning humor columnist, author, and beloved Miami icon.

With 350-plus authors at the fair, they couldn't have found someone a little less intimidating to shove into my same time slot?

Of course, this is the same international book event where in 2008 I fought with Salman Rushdie over the last lemon poppy seed muffin left on the breakfast buffet in the authors' reception room. Long story, but I definitely spotted the muffin first.

Maybe the festival's powers-that-be are punishing me for the muffin incident. I mean, really, the man survived having a fatwa declared against him. Is a little kerfuffle over a breakfast pastry really that big a deal?

Anyhoo, back to Dave Barry. He'll be packing a massive auditorium that Saturday morning, Nov. 20 at 10 am. The sound of belly-laughs and general hilarity will probably ripple all the way across the sprawling campus of Miami Dade College, echoing into the empty classroom where I'm supposed to speak. Room 7128. Did I mention the room is on the bottom floor of the campus parking garage? I can just hear the sound of errant car alarms going off now.

It's not the first time I've dwelled in scheduling hell. I've been slotted opposite the editor and agent panel at Sleuthfest. I lost out to baseball mania in Tampa, when my signing and the Rays first shot at the play-offs fell on the same night. I was trampled once at a Barnes & Noble by fans of the Twilight series, who clambered over my pathetic table to get to the merchandising bonanza tied into that same day's release of Stephanie Meyer's latest.

It's all in the timing, right? At least that's what I told Salman when I snatched the last muffin from under his nose at my first Miami Book Fair.

How about you? What's the worst scheduling snafu you've endured? An outdoor event spoiled by hurricane-force winds? Competing against Michael Connelly at a conference? Put on a panel with someone you hate?