By Deborah Sharp
I've found another thing to worry about as my book's October debut draws near.
It's a testament to my fretting powers that I could come up with something new, given my many present concerns. There's hurricane season, a fear of horrible reviews, and the possibility that my fellow Florida voters will fail to select a president -- again -- and the ensuing media firestorm will ensure that no one pays any attention to my funny little set-in-Florida mystery.
Anyway, smearage is my current worry. If you're left-handed, you understand: ink all over the trailing, pinky-edge of your hand; an inky smear on the page, obscuring whatever you'd intended to write. I took notes in pencil for 20 years as a reporter because of smearage.
So, how am I supposed to sign books, sans smearage? Any advice from fellow lefties about truly smear-free pens?
I have to warn you, though, even if someone posts an inspired answer to this problem, other imagined crises will keep my "worry chair'' rocking.
Suppose:
Amazon crashes, and all those pre-orders disappear for Mama Does Time (a dozen, easy, considering my husband and I have at least 12 cousins between us).
The truck heading south with my books is hurled off a bridge by a hurricane. Luckily, the driver survives, but my ruined books end up as an artificial reef.
Terrorists hijack the Internet, and I can't get access to my Google calendar or BookTour. I have no idea when or where I'm supposed to sign.
No one shows up for my signings. Or, too many people show, and we have no books.
I open my mouth at my first signing, and no words come out. Plus, I'm naked while everyone else is fully clothed, like those dreams we all had in high school before the big test.
Y'all had those dreams, right?
Point is, even if I lick smearage, another worry will arise. I'm a glass half-empty type . . . OMG, what if we don't have enough wine glasses for my launch party? Or, what if I forget my reading glasses, and I can't even see where to sign? Or, what if someone shatters a glass at a signing and an influential book critic chokes on a sliver . . .
Maybe I'll just sit and rock a while.
11 comments:
As a fellow leftie, I can tell you that I was yelled at, really really at, for putting the weight of my left hand on my paperback book whilst signing.
"You broke the spine!" The woman pointed out.
And here I thought I only had to worry about smearage. i had to buy her another book because she seemed so upset and I was truly unnerved. I mean - it's a paperback! But she said she only opens each page a little bit and that NONE of her paperbacks have broken spines.
There you are - a fresh worry! LEave it to another author to produce one.
Pens? I used to use a fancy one. Now I use a BIC. A cheap one. It doesn't smear and when someone walks off with it (which they will) I don't feel like putting them in my next book as the victim. :)
Heck, I worry about spelling names right (including my own, which when written, is nothing more than a series of loops, and I often make too many or too few).
I think the train carrying one of Suzanne Brockmann's books derailed and they were lost.
I try to be a glass half full person, but it's tough. I find it easier to deal with the disappointments this business is full of if I'm prepared.
Then again, there are those who swear that what you visualize is what happens, so maybe I'm bringing it all on myself.
An artificial reef of MAMA's? Ya mean, your publisher had that many copies printed?
I, too, am a southpaw and I can't bring myself to sign books with non-smearable ballpoint pens. I like the Uniball Vision Elite with the extra bold tip. It takes forever to dry and I've smeared hundreds of books.
My advice: Get a Uniball with red ink and when it smears tell 'em it's blood. It'll be worth more that way...
Sharpie just came out with a pen that's great for signing books. No bleed-thru. Actually, there is, but very little.
This is a timely blog for me. I had a dream last night that I showed up for a signing and they were painting my entire local bookstore (yellow, orange, and blue walls, if you want to know). All the books had been removed for the painting. You don't have to be Freud to know where this dream came from.
Deb - First, practice your autograph before your book signings start. It will help you get it down to less smearage. Sample several pens. Like JB I used to use a very expensive pen, now I use whatever fast drying pen is handy. Although Sharpies are favored, my all-time favorite is a freebie a vendor at the law firm gave me with their logo on it. I then purloined several from others in the office.
Second, make sure you clearly understand the spelling of someone's name before you personalize the book. Even ask them to print it on a slip of paper, if you need to. I've never broken a spine, but I've had to eat 2 books because I mispelled the person's name.
Third, and most important, DRINK. It helps. Trust me.
I used to be a 'glass half full' person until I had to drink a barium milkshake. All of a sudden, half empty looked pretty good!
Jeez ... thanks for giving me MORE stuff to worry about (broken book spines and ill-timed painting schedules; misspelled names and barium shakes . . .) and for the smiles and good advice, too. Y'all are the best!
just make sure that YOUR wine glass is half-full at all times...then, no worries!
your fellow wart, Pat
Amazon crashes, and all those pre-orders disappear for Mama Does Time (a dozen, easy, considering my husband and I have at least 12 cousins between us).
Then when they get back up, you will be famous, cuz they will work HARD to make it up to you and your preorder customers.
The truck heading south with my books is hurled off a bridge by a hurricane. Luckily, the driver survives, but my ruined books end up as an artificial reef.
Think of the well-read fish!
Terrorists hijack the Internet, and I can't get access to my Google calendar or BookTour. I have no idea when or where I'm supposed to sign.
So you go to every place you can make it to and become an overnight success because you make more than you were scheduled for!
No one shows up for my signings. Or, too many people show, and we have no books.
You will have sparkling conversation and encourage a billion wannabe writers.
I open my mouth at my first signing, and no words come out. Plus, I'm naked while everyone else is fully clothed, like those dreams we all had in high school before the big test.
You will be known as the naked writer, and be asked to write tons of books on the freedom of being clotheless.
QUIT worrying!! You are super!
OMB. Did I just read OMG? Well, add this to your worries: what if you can't text your book title to every cell phone number in you book because the text system breaks?!
LOL (you can look that up on "the google.")
I am left handed most of the time. Now I'm worried that everyone thinks I'm weird. I am also worried that all of you writers will criticize my grammar and spelling.
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