We'll Be Right Back

By Deborah Sharp

I was professionally made-up, my hair blown out, lipstick applied, and powder brushed over my shiny face. I sat on a stool, microphone affixed to the collar of my new blue sweater, waiting and wondering if I was going to faint on national TV.

When I heard one of the anchors on the NBC Today show say We'll Be Right Back, it triggered a panic. I knew we were just a couple of commercials away from my scheduled interview. I suddenly fixated on the white socks I was wearing with my black ankle boots. If I crossed my legs, would my pant hem ride up to expose my fashion faux pas to millions of viewers? With no chair arms to hang onto, would I tumble from the high stool and become the star of an endless loop of embarrassment on YouTube? Would I just sit there, made paralyzed and speechless by fear?

Was it too late to run screaming from the set?

The next thing I knew, a guy in a headset behind a big camera was pointing to me. The Today Show's smart and beautiful anchor, Savannah Guthrie, asked me a question. I think I answered it. She asked me another. I answered that one, too, I'm pretty sure. This is saying a lot, because an hour or so before, I was so nervous that when the show's hair stylist asked me the name of my book . . .

''Uhmmm, it's my fourth book,'' I stalled.

Yes, but what's it called? she asked.

''It's a mystery novel,'' I stammered.

I saw pity in her eyes. She put down her hair spray and patted my shoulder. You might want to practice that title thing.


I hit the author's lottery on Dec. 28. I had the great good fortune to be invited onto the Today show to talk about my latest book, Mama Sees Stars. (Sure, NOW I remember the title!) I'm married to NBC correspondent Kerry Sanders. I'm not deluded enough to think the Today Show selected me randomly from a universe of authors. I know Kerry's connections to the show played a role in my invite, and in previous appearances I've made on Today.

I guess I've done okay, because this time they carved out four minutes for my segment. One of Kerry's friends posted on his Facebook page (a bit meanly, I thought) that I got about twice the time they usually give Kerry for his stories on Today.

Here's a link to click, if you want to see how I did.
This picture was snapped off the TV:

I can say without hesitation my husband did not break a single kneecap in pursuit of my appearance. At least I didn't see anyone on the Today set limping around. Except for me. When the interview was over, I had some kind of weird after-effect of all those nerves and pumping adrenaline. I started to climb down from that towering stool, and my knees began to buckle. My legs were wobbly, wet noodles. I grabbed behind me, and carefully slid my butt back onto the seat.

''I can't get down.''

What do you mean? a stagehand said.

''My legs won't work.''

He got the deer-in-the-headlight look. Another guest was standing by, waiting to move into my spot on the interview stool for the next segment. After a couple of moments, they managed to peel me off the seat. Leaning on some guy's shoulder, I limped off the set.

My friends all said I did great, and that I didn't look a bit nervous. (Of course, that's what friends are supposed to say). It got me thinking about how often all of us put on a public face that might be very different from how we feel privately, inside. In my case, I wanted to run away screaming, ''I can't do this! I'm scared.'' Instead, I talked and laughed with Savannah as if she were just a gal pal chatting ... and not a famous TV anchor I'd never met before, with millions of people watching at home.

I am having recurring nightmares, though, featuring the phrase We'll Be Right Back.

What scares you? Have you managed to fake your way through it?

Bling My Boa

By Deborah Sharp

How can you tell if you're a serious author? The kind of author book critics wax about rapturously, and creative writing professors speak of in hushed tones of awe?

I have absolutely no idea. I can tell you how you know you're not a serious author. If the week before your new book comes out you find yourself shopping for a feather boa and rhinestone bling so you can dress up like your fictional character at a fake red carpet soiree . . . odds are you're the other kind of author. You know, the opposite of serious. You're a goofy author.

Guilty as charged.

That doesn't mean I don't work hard, or I don't take pride in what I do. It just means I keep things in perspective. I write a funny, light-hearted mystery series that's been described as Agatha Christie meets My Name is Earl. It's almost impossible to take your stuff too seriously when one reviewer calls your character ''a redneck Stephanie Plum,'' and another says your book is ''a humorous bit of fluff, perfect for the beach.''

Hey, nothing wrong with fluff!

Which brings me to Mama's Red Carpet Soiree. My fourth book, the movie-themed MAMA SEES STARS, officially came out this week. Instead of getting all literary and Capital ''A'' authorly on the folks who turn out for my booksignings, I'll be dressing up like the Mama character, who has never spotted an over-the-top outfit she didn't covet. Guests are also encouraged to come sporting their movie diva -- or divo -- duds. We'll all dodge fake paparazzi and walk a rented red carpet. There will be alcohol, which explains a lot.

It's all in good fun, because, let's face it: I'm not curing terminal diseases or negotiating world peace here. Some authors act as if they are. Once, I was on a panel at a mystery convention with one such Serious Author. What programming genius put me -- the writer of easy-reading, comic romps set in a Southern-fried slice of Florida -- together with an Author whose dark, tortured characters struggle with Important Themes?

Anyhoo, my panel mate was expounding on how important it is for him to write, how he simply must get down on paper these important things that must be said.

''Writing is more important to me than anything in life,'' he said, importantly.

I waited a beat and then leaned into the microphone. ''Anything?''

"Yes,'' he said.

"More important than breathing?'' I asked.

Silence.

"Than sex?''

Silence.

"More important than ice cream?''

The Serious Author cracked a smile. "Yes,'' he said.

It was good to know how his priorities ranked. Although for me, ice cream might have scored relatively higher in that equation.

The point is, what's the benefit of having a cool job like writer if you can't have a little fun? For my last book, which was set around Mama's fifth try at tying the sacred knot of matrimony, the signings played off the wedding theme. I had a tacky, towering bridal veil, similar to what Mama wore for her Wedding of the Century in little Himmarshee, Fla. This time around, I'm forgoing the elaborate headwear I donned for MAMA GETS HITCHED in favor of a movie star boa and a little bit of bling. Comparatively understated, actually.

Omigod ... do you suppose that means I'm becoming more SERIOUS? That I'll start acting like a Capital A Author? Nah, I also have sunglasses with pink leopard-spotted frames and a pomegranate-hued bath mat I plan to unfurl and stand on as my traveling red carpet.

Goofy. Guilty as charged.

I Wish I Knew Then

By Deborah Sharp



I've been racking my brain for something new to say when I start doing events for my fourth book, the upcoming MAMA SEES STARS. By now, I'm a bit fatigued with rehashing my same ol' story of becoming an author: Former USA Today reporter, left the sad stories of the news biz behind at age 50, became a writer of funny, Southern-fried fiction . . .



Yada, yada, yada ...



Sometimes I feel like the dolphins at SeaWorld, performing the same tricks over and over and over again just to see if anyone is going to toss me a fish.



I'm thinking this time out I'll shake things up. I'm going to try some honesty, reveal what being an author is really all about. Okay, I'm always honest ... this is UNVARNISHED honesty; the real, tell-it-like-it-is scoop.



So, here it is:

The Top 5 Things I Wish I'd Known Back Then About Being an Author



1. When authors say they're going on a book tour, it doesn't mean their Daddy Warbucks publishers are tossing money at them so they can fly first class, sleep in fancy hotels, and eat in five-star restaurants. If they're like me, it means they're packing the pickup truck with books, driving somewhere like Okeechobee, Fla., and setting up shop in front of the cattle chute at the rodeo on a day so hot that the Hershey's kisses that were supposed to be reader giveaways melted to resemble tiny dollops of cow manure. (Pictured, the author reading to her ''cowptive'' audience)







2. An author has better odds of getting killed by fireworks (1 in 340,733) than of making enough money off royalties to quit his or her day job. Thank goodness my TV reporter husband earns enough dough that I don't have to sleep in my 1992 Miata.



3. Snagging a signing at one of the chain stores is no guarantee an author will move lots of books at said signing. I've learned that when you stand, smiling hopefully, at a table stacked with books, lots of people ask directions to the bathroom. (It's in the back, down that little hallway. Can't miss it.)



4. At every author signing, someone will ask you how many hours you write every day. Nobody wants to hear the real answer: ''I haven't written a word in weeks. I'm too busy updating my Facebook status and checking my Amazon ranking.''



5. And the Top Thing I Wish I'd Known Way Back in 2006, When I Signed A Contract For My First Book? That I'd still be plugging away today. Yep, I'm working on Book 5, buoyed every so often by a sweet review or a reader who says she loves my mysteries.



Lord knows it's not the money keeping this author afloat!



How about you? What keeps you going?

Inkspot News - July 23, 2011

Lots of press this week for several Midnight Ink authors.



Two items for ROBIN ALLEN's clean, humorous amateur sleuth mystery, If You Can't Stand the Heat.

1. Virginia Wood, long-time food editor of the Austin Chronicle, wrote a wonderful review in the current issue.

"My most enjoyable reading diversion so far this summer has been a new culinary mystery..."

2. For one week (7/20/11-7/27/11), Amazon.com is selling the Kindle version of the book for $2.99.

* * *

DEBORAH SHARP's Mama Sees Stars (September 2011) received a starred review in Library Journal.

"This zany fourth entry in Sharp’s series is a feature worthy of the big screen...The mystery aisles can always use more humor, and Sharp delivers..."

* * *

JESSIE CHANDLER's Bingo Barge Murder was featured on local Minnesota station KARE11 as a great summer read.

"If you like funny, fast-paced Minnesota flavor..."

* * *

For one week (7/20/11-7/27/11), Amazon.com is selling the Kindle version of JESS LOUREY's Knee High by the Fourth of July for $1.99.